Prayers and rituals at the bedside of a dying loved one

How the hospice chaplain helps

Every Medicare hospice must offer spiritual support, in a way that fits the patient's and family's own beliefs, and must make reasonable efforts to help local clergy visit. At Beta Hospice, the chaplain supports people of any faith or none, and only if the person or family wants it. You can say no, or say yes later.

The chaplain can pray with you in your tradition, read with you, or sit with you in silence. The chaplain can help you call your parish, church, synagogue, mosque or temple, and help plan a blessing, a family prayer or a ritual at the bedside.

Many families also talk with the chaplain about fear, guilt, forgiveness or what this time means. Tell the nurse at the first visit about faith practices the team should respect, such as prayer times, objects in the room or who should be called when death is near.

Catholic: the last rites and the Apostolic Pardon

"Last rites" is the everyday name for the sacraments the Catholic Church offers at the end of life: confession (the sacrament of Penance), the anointing of the sick, and Holy Communion given as Viaticum, which means "food for the journey." In the anointing, the priest anoints the forehead and hands with blessed oil and prays over the person. Only a priest or bishop can give it.

You do not have to wait for the last hours. The U.S. Catholic bishops explain that there is no need to wait until a person is at the point of death; a serious illness, or the frailty of old age, is enough. The anointing can be given again if the illness gets worse. Church law also allows it for a person who can no longer speak, if they would have asked for it when they could.

When a priest gives the sacraments to someone in danger of death, the Church asks him to also give the Apostolic Pardon, a final blessing with what the Church calls a plenary indulgence.

If no priest can come in time, the Church grants this same grace at death to a Catholic who prayed regularly during life, and encourages holding a crucifix or cross. A priest, a deacon or a lay minister of Holy Communion can bring Communion to the person.

How to ask for a priest

• Call the person's parish, or the parish closest to where they are staying, and ask for a priest to come for the anointing of the sick. Say that the person is on hospice.
• In a hospital or nursing facility, ask the staff for the Catholic chaplain. Many have one on call.
• Call early. A visit during the day, while the person can still take part, is easier to arrange than one at 2 a.m. The Art of Dying Well, a Catholic site, puts it simply: it is never too late to call a priest.
• Ask the hospice chaplain or nurse to help. They can make the call with you or for you.

Protestant and other Christian traditions

Most Protestant churches have no single rite for the dying. Families often call their pastor, read scripture, sing hymns and pray together. Psalm 23 is read at many bedsides: "The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want" (Psalm 23:1, King James Version). The Lord's Prayer and John 14 are also common.

Some churches offer Holy Communion at the bedside, or anointing with oil and the laying on of hands, following the letter of James: "Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church" (James 5:14, King James Version). Orthodox Christians, including Armenian Apostolic families, usually ask their parish priest to come. If you are not sure what your church offers, the chaplain can call your pastor or priest with you.

Jewish: the Vidui and the Shema

Jewish tradition has a prayer for the end of life called the Vidui (also spelled Viddui), a personal confession that seeks peace with God. It can be said by the dying person, by family members or by a rabbi, in Hebrew, in English or in both.

If the person cannot say it, others can say it with them or for them. Saying it does not mean death is coming: traditional sources remind families that many have said the Vidui and lived.

At the heart of the Vidui is the Shema, the declaration that God is one, from Deuteronomy 6:4. It is traditionally the last words a Jew says. As with every prayer near death, the person decides: the Vidui is never imposed. Many families also keep someone with the dying person at all times, which Jewish tradition encourages. The family's rabbi, or a Jewish chaplain, can guide the prayers and what follows after the death.

Muslim: the Shahada and facing the Qibla

In the last days, Muslim relatives often keep vigil, and there may be many people in the room. Family members take turns reading from the Qur'an, often Surah Ya-Sin, the 36th chapter. When the end is near, someone close to the person gently encourages them to say the Shahada, the declaration of faith. Families hope it will be the person's last words, and no one should push it.

Many families want the bed or the person turned to face the Qibla, the direction of the Kaaba in Mecca. From Southern California that is roughly north-northeast; a phone compass or qibla app can show it.

Families and imams differ on the exact position, so ask the family. If a position is not possible or not comfortable, comfort comes first. An imam does not have to be present, but many families find it helps. The chaplain can help you reach a local mosque.

Buddhist: a calm and peaceful mind

Many Buddhist traditions teach that the state of mind at the moment of death matters a great deal, so families try to keep the room calm and peaceful. A monk, nun or spiritual friends may chant or read from Buddhist scriptures before, at and after the death. Some people want to stay as clear-minded as possible and may ask for less of a medicine that makes them drowsy. Tell the nurse, who can talk through the balance between comfort and alertness with you.

Some families prefer that the body is not touched or moved for a time after the last breath, and that the room stays quiet. Tell the nurse and the funeral home ahead of time, so they can plan around it. See what to do when your loved one dies at home.

Other faiths, and families with more than one

Hindu, Sikh, Latter-day Saint, Jehovah's Witness, Native American and many other families have their own prayers and customs at the end of life. This page cannot describe them all. Tell the nurse or chaplain what matters to you, and the team will follow it. In families with more than one faith, each person can have their own time to pray, and the chaplain can help plan a moment that includes everyone.

If you are not religious

A ritual does not need a faith. Many families find meaning in simple things.

• Sharing memories and stories, out loud, at the bedside
• Playing music the person loves, or singing together
• Reading a favorite poem, a letter or a passage from a book
• Saying thank you, I love you, I forgive you, please forgive me, and goodbye
• A moment of silence, or lighting a candle if no oxygen is used in the home
• Writing down the person's words, or what you want to remember about this time

Respect for every faith

• The team asks about faith; it does not assume one from a name, a language or a country.
• Nothing in the room is moved without asking: a rosary, a Qur'an, scripture, an icon, prayer beads or an altar.
• Visits can be planned around prayer times and holy days.
• The chaplain never pushes beliefs, and you can decline chaplain visits at any time.
• Your own clergy are always welcome, and the team works with them.

Common questions

Related guides

This page is part of signs that death is near. For how hospice care adapts to each family's language, beliefs and customs, read culturally competent hospice care. For what to do after the death, see what to do when your loved one dies at home. Grief support for the family continues for 13 months after a death. See bereavement support.